about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Randomize
