I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
