Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
