why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
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