Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
