Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
My ATM looks so different sober.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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