My liver just broke up with me...
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
