I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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