I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
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