so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
My day in three words: secret purse cake
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
