I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Help me help you realize you are a moron
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
