I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
