just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
