The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
