A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
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