I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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