YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
