My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
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