Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
