I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
you told grandpa to call you daddy
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
