there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Randomize
