you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
