I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Pants 0. Shit 1.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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