I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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