four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
