How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
