and you said cock pushups were impossible
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
