The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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