shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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