I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
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