someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
