Your mouth is God's brothel.
too bad you live with your parents still
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
