you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Someone signed my nipple.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
