I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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