ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
