this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
