I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
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