Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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