My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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