Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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