Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
