There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
