Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
