Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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