The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I touched a dick in church today
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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