If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
