Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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