i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
