Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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