I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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