return my video game
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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