Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
