Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
