God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
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