Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Randomize
