So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
