i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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