I want to bang chis in dee ass burt he be hating on me times two. Me be tryin ti love onu
Bendover
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
